The Art of Moving Forward

Tonight I am going to write about moving forward in one's life.  Leaving the old worn out and stale life behind and moving forward into fresh new territory.  I notice I say "I'm tired." a lot on this blog.  Fact is.....I AM tired.  Tired of somehow bringing such negative energy into my path and scratching my head as to the reason it keeps on showing up.....annnd....the answer is:  I dunno.  I don't know.

The thought that comes to mind for me is "awareness".  Trying to understand how I keep on manifesting this into my life and why I can't seem to shake it.  Wondering what it is that I'm doing wrong either consciously or unconsciously.  People keep on showing up that are SOOOOOOOOOO broken and negative.  I feel like I am a magnet for broken and busted up people.  It even gives me second thoughts as to pursuing my coaching practice.  I feel so worn out from my own drama and those around me that I feel like have nothing to give and much less.....wisdom to coach others.

Where is the simple?  Where is the beautiful?  Where are the flowers and butterflies and all the beautiful things that make you feel alive??  There always seems to be a doubt that shows behind each step forward.  A feeling of "what if" and "oh, don't be TOO happy....something will probably happen."  What a way to think.  :(  Not ok and not going to get you very far on the "positive" scale that is for sure.

It's Been Awhile....

It's been awhile since I have put any thoughts on here.  It's been over 7 years.  Seven years of losing myself again and all the beautiful ideas and dreams that I found briefly for a short time.  I found myself and worked through my fears and hurt.  I found myself and proceeded with dreams of my own and didn't listen to the negative comments that others had for me.  The people who weren't happy in their own lives and just wanted to make mine as miserable.

I started this blog because I wanted a place to document my farm house.  The farm house I bought after my mother passed away and my marriage was officially ending and I was for once in my adult life feeling like I had some control over my living situation and could determine my own security and create a peaceful home for my children.  I was feeling good, feeling hopeful and feeling confident.  In myself, my life and my intentions.  And then.....I lost it.  Just like that.  I got distracted with myself and forgot myself again - all in the interest of a man.  A man that wasn't real and true and honest.  A man who knew how to say all the right things and could manipulate the truth to make it seem like it really WAS the truth.  That I was the one with the problems and issues.  That I wasn't feeling my feelings and my intuitions were lying to me.  If only I knew from the beginning what he was really like and the damage he would do to my life, to me, to my children.....

Over these 7 years I have fallen to some very low depths.  Places that I never knew existed and places that I never want to go to again.  Places that I never belonged in the first place and places that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life here on this planet.  I've come a long way as to understanding and realizing the games he played with me.  The mindless drunkeness that he so easily can slide into and then pretend like nothing ever happened.  The words that he tore me down with and the emotional and sometimes physical pounding he did on me.....my children.   I let him totally up-end my life I was creating and now I am working through the bitterness, the resentfulness and slowly healing myself and finding the parts of me that I thought had died.  It's funny.....you can live in that sort of environment and often times don't even notice parts of yourself drifting away until you look in the mirror and don't even know the eyes staring back at you.  They are empty and dull.  Scared and wanting....or, even worse, just numb.  Numb from the pain, the survival and the constant picking up the pieces of yourself and family.

I'm beyond sick of living like this and I know I am slowly making progress, but sometimes it gets really old and really, really monotonous.  Just putting one foot in front of the other and not really seeing where you are going or sometimes you can't even measure how far you have come.  I suppose that isn't the point of healing...but, I need some hope and something to look forward to.  Not just always looking behind myself and feeling the remorse for ill choices I made, but truly, HOPE for the future and that I find the ability to truly be happy in the moment again.  I need to remember that I matter and my feelings matter.  So - I'm starting to write in this blog again and dream.  Setting my intentions or at least trying to figure out my intentions so I can move towards them.  This blog out of all of them is my "happy" blog.  This is going to be my only "negative" post on here - to remind myself where I am getting back in at and to remind myself that I DID used to dream and that I still have them and that I haven't lost everything or myself for that matter.  I need to do this like I need water.....it is a necessity.

Late Night Design Therapy

I can't help it....it runs in my blood. 

Inside Pictures....

Here are some pictures of the inside of the house.  It has a huge oak staircase that I love.   Actually it has two staircases - one in the foyer and one in the kitchen.  They both lead up to the huge landing and then it goes upstairs.  I have 8 leaded windows in the house, a butlers pantry, a HUGE attic with windows (that is a "win the lottery someday" project), a balcony off my office, a basement with a hand-dug well that goes 25 feet deep and the water is crystal clear.  Oh, huge wrap around porch and 3 acres to do whatever I want with.  Not too shabby of a set up.  :) 

'Round the Town...

Here are some shots from around the county during our "deluge" of seemingly endless rain.  The forecast is for even MORE rain all this next week.  Can I just say I am glad my old house sits up on a hill.  Oh, and a big "THANK YOU GOD!!!" for sparring my home in last nights tornado that skipped down my road.  Crazy weather it is....very crazy indeed.

Mill Race Park



Hwy 11 at Devers Road

I-65 Overpass atJohnathan Moore Pike

Serious currents in the ditch line

Hwy 11

Evening in downtown Columbus

Design Therapy

I don't drug.  I don't drink.  I don't smoke.  And I don't drink coffee.  I do......design therapy.  It's the kind of therapy for people like me that have visions of colour and lines that run through their little tiny brains when they see a blank canvas.  It's for the kind of people that when they see something worn down and delapitated that can be revived or re-invented with a little of "this" or a little of "that".  Yes, my name is Cheryl and I am a design addict.  Nice to meet you. 

Necessary for naps....

Progress.....sort of.

It has been slow going at the ol' farmhouse this week and last.  Job sites that were more of a priority for  my contractor and then of course the RAIN....rain, rain, and more rain.  I am beginning to wonder if Noah and the Ark are going to float by anytime soon.  Sheesh!!!

Chad & Justin discovering the old slate tiles under the shingles.

Derek cleaning up the huge mess of trees that they cut down.

Chad NOT talking to me....wonders never cease do they?  LOL!!!

Work, work and more work.....

One thing I found that didn't need to be cut down or ripped off.....yea!!!